The Conversation (0)
"Using your cellphone..."
Using your cellphone at night without night shift on. Blue light suppresses melatonin levels, which causes sleep deprivation (weight gain, depression, anxiety) and increases the risk of cancer. Reddit being the exception, of course.
"Your lack of routine..."
Your lack of routine. Regularly staying up past midnight leaves your brain less time that it desperately needs to rest and repair itself, the strain can and will eventually catch up to you. Go to bed you crazies!
"Our own cells."
Our own cells. They're constantly dividing and reproducing, shortening our telomeres if we're lucky, mutating into cancer if we're not.
Looking on the bright side, if they didn't do that, we'd die a lot faster.
"We cook in it..."
Giphy
Plastic everything. We cook in it, store foods, and even breathe it. Carcinogens? They're in the plastic.
"If I make it to my 90s..."
Ibuprofen - kidneys, Tylenol-liver. If I make it to my 90s without significant damage to these organs, I'll consider myself superwoman.
"Stimulants like caffeine..."
Too much coffee. Stimulants like caffeine, in excess (more than 3 cups a day) ever so slowly fuck up the heart.
"A typical..."
A typical American food diet combined with passive entertainment is the most common thing (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/282929.php).
The Dogs.
Hot dogs in packs of 10 and buns in packs of 8. I don't know how much longer I can take it.
dlordjr
Just buy 4 packs of hot dogs and 5 packs of buns at a time. You get 40 of each.
I mean preferably share them, but you do you.
ghostmatrix101
Being Mental.
Mental health. I don't think people realize that its important. It's like some unspoken thing. Don't like it. If you need mental help, you need mental help.
lasso-the-moon
Just Breathe.... if you can.
Polluted air.
laikpa
Stale air (containing less Oxygen than is needed to properly supply the brain) negatively affects cognitive function.
That must be why in crowded places or simply a locked, unventilated room, I can't think as clearly. sealteamricksss
Guzzle it Down.
Drinking soda.
BrokeBoiJaden
Agreed, back when I first gave up drinking soda I felt so much better. Seemed like I had more energy, I got less headaches, and just felt better overall.
These days the only soda I have is a lil Coke in my rum. Granted alcohol probably took away the positives I did gain, It'd be worse if I was still drinking soda, or that's how I rationalize it anyway.
ScoobThaProblem
The Rugrats...
My kids.
AusCan531
Can confirm. u/AusCan531's kids are slowly killing us.
HarambeCantMeltSteel
All the Ingredients.
Giphy
White flour, high fructose corn syrup and other sugars, processed food and preservatives.
The_UnApologist
Fumes.
Car exhaust. I very seriously believe that my children will look at me when i tell them we used to have tens-of-thousands of cars in cities, the way I looked at my mom when she explained that smoking around pregnant women were totally normal.
Areumert
The Shifting.
Reddit.
Huggerme
I have to move the app around my home screen from time to time. Sometimes I'll just mindlessly go to click on the app without any real desire to do so, and I go "alright, time to shift things around a bit."
NetworkMachineBroke
Meow.
Cats. Their scratches may seem small, but eventually, it will build up and they will take over us and become the master race and dogs will have to fight back, but since cats are mischievous and have planned this for millennia, they will prevail over dogs. Then its only due time for them to overthrow the birds, reptiles and all other animals. I dunno, just a hunch.
55dexter
Mind Control.
Giphy
Brain power it takes to figure out what paper towels to buy. How the hell can I choose the best option? 6=8? 8=12? There go more brane sells!
Well_thatwas_random
The app's AI includes a Morning Brief that recaps everyone's health.
A vacuum being emptied. 
A cleaning head.